Psalm 55 Disassociated Aggression

Listen to my explanation Lord, do not be oblivious to my pleadings.

Regard my behavior and give answer to my questions concerning this disorder and/or trouble. I am boldly uncomfortable in this condition.

The acts of hatred are being acted out against me unjustly. I have used constraint behaviors, but this causes anger to swell within my emotional state. I want to retaliate.

The understanding of this behavior causes grievous anxiety within me: the disappointment of these disingenuous attitudes overwhelm me and I am in the state of self-deprivation.

Anxiety causes my body to shake, and terror has obsessed my reasoning faculties.

I tell myself to ignore these feelings wear a facade and no one will know. I really tried to repress this whole situation; then I thought that I would be at peace with myself.

When I tried this behavior I just digressed into deeper depression; holding on to grudges pushed me further into the obsession of hatred. Stop and think about that.

The acceleration of digression with my reality caused the dysfunction of my expressions in attitudes as well as my functional behaviors to display the farce. I am totally confused.

Help me Lord to stop this cycle of negative self-talk and thinking: I can see the self destruction and contention this is causing. The true awareness of my reality is being misdirected by my own thought processes.

From the start to the end of this incident, I have protected myself: I tried the vanity of a pretentious behavior but I was mentally exhausted from the worry of not holding up this farce and facade.

I find myself feeling envious of genuine people around me: trying to manipulate and deceive them with attitudes that control situations behind their back.

It wasn't an adversary that caused this reproach; I could then justify the behavior, neither was it someone who openly hated me by stating some defamation of my character; I could then just ignore it.

But it is my own feeling of desperation that is causing this battle within myself; my own self government, self-awareness and understanding is what is causing my anxiety.

I relish in the self-absorption of co-dependence and socialize within the circles of the household of God who were justified in this position, just like me. We enabled each others attitudes, and behaviors.

This state of desolation had to stop: it was causing dysfunction in the body of believers collectively, and stress within my thinking personally.

I made a decision to call upon You Lord; I know You will help me stop this downward spiral thinking process and keep me sane through the difficult transition of change.

From start to finish, and through all the circumstances in between I have been in total confusion. A battle between my soul and spirit: I must pray and evaluate my thinking. Then You Lord will give understanding to me so that I might change this destructive behavior.

You will redeem my identity with this refreshing and restoring health from these feelings of hostility that I enabled: many believers are in this same emotional turmoil.

You can hear and understand our unstable thinking. You can cause this awareness within our rational being by exercising our humility. Even the mature ones who are established in this behavior. Stop and think about that. This is because they have decided that maturity does not require a renewed identity in You. You must be revered always.

My main purpose was to protect myself with flattering words. I stupidly thought that it would build a protective wall around me. Constructive criticism of Your Word causes the conflict between my spirit and rational being. Your Word is a cutting instrument carving away my carnal opinions and self-protective attitudes.

I must stop thinking about past mistakes and offenses that I or others have caused. The Lord will nourish and maintain my spirit: it is He that will restore me to a righteous attitude and He will never leave me in despair.

Only with You Lord, will these past attitudes and behaviors be subdued and these learned carnal behaviors be humbled: jealousy and betrayal will not separate my new beginning with You; I am bold, confident, and choose to have hope in You.